Rachel Williams

Jun 19 · Posted

Okay so I've been lurking here for a few weeks and finally feel ready to share something that's been genuinely useful for me, partly because someone in another thread mentioned writing things down and it unlocked something. I'm 48, divorced two years ago, and I've been slowly, nervously, starting to date again. Which is its own whole thing. But what I wasn't prepared for was how much my body feels like a moving target right now. Anxiety that spikes out of nowhere. Changes I wasn't expecting that make intimacy feel uncertain in a way I don't totally have language for yet. And this low-level confidence thing that I keep trying to logic my way out of and can't. So I started keeping notes. Not a formal journal, just the notes app on my phone. Things like: how I felt getting dressed before a date. Whether I felt like myself or like I was performing. When the anxiety was worse and whether it tracked with sleep. Whether I'd eaten anything real that day or just coffee and adrenaline. I'm saving all of this for my next OBGYN appointment because I always go in there and describe the physical stuff and completely forget to mention the mental and emotional piece. And honestly the mental piece is the part that's affecting my life the most right now. Not the hot flashes. The confidence. The feeling of not quite recognizing myself. I'm not saying any of this fixed anything. It hasn't. But having it written down means I can't talk myself out of bringing it up. I'm not performing "I'm fine" if I've got receipts. If anyone else is navigating dating at this stage and feeling like their body picked the worst possible moment to become unpredictable, I see you. It's a lot.

Jun 15 · Replied

Community post

Just popping back to say thank you, especially peri_erica. I read all of these with a cup of tea and had a little cry, in a good way. This community is such a relief sometimes.

Jun 14 · Posted

Okay so I'm doing this thing where I write down one moment each day where I felt okay in my own skin. Not great, not hot, just... okay. Because I realized I only ever notice the bad moments and then assume that's all there is. This week: wore the red top I've been avoiding. Walked to the coffee place instead of driving. Said yes to drinks with a friend I've been canceling on for months. Not calling it a comeback. Just logging it. Divorced two years ago and I'm still figuring out who I am in this body that keeps surprising me. But I'm writing the okay moments down now. That feels like something.