Wendy

Jun 20 · Replied

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Just popping back to say thank you, especially peri_erica. I read all of these with a cup of tea and had a little cry, in a good way. This community is such a relief sometimes.

Jun 20 · Posted

55 and I went on an actual date last night. First one in about three years. I want to be honest about how I felt getting ready because I think some of you might get it. I stood in front of my wardrobe for forty minutes. Not because I had nothing to wear, I have plenty of things to wear. But nothing felt like me anymore. My body has shifted in the last eighteen months and I kept putting things on and taking them off and getting quietly furious with myself. In the end I wore a green wrap dress I bought on a whim last autumn and never wore because I thought I looked too round in it. And you know what, I do look rounder than I used to. That is just true. But I also looked, I don't know. Present? Like someone who was actually there and not hiding. He was nice. It was fine. Nothing romantic is happening but that isn't the point I'm making. The point is I got dressed without pretending I looked twenty years younger and I went anyway. And I came home and ate scrambled eggs at 10pm and felt genuinely okay about the whole evening. That is the win I'm logging. Not him. Me. x

Jun 19 · Replied

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Just popping back to say thank you, especially peri_erica. I read all of these with a cup of tea and had a little cry, in a good way. This community is such a relief sometimes.

Jun 18 · Posted

55 and divorced and... trying to fancy myself again. That's where I've landed. Not in a delusional way. In a "I bought a dress that isn't navy and I wore it to Sainsbury's" way. Which sounds mad written down but it genuinely felt like something. The thing is I spent so long being invisible that I think I forgot I had a body at all, except when it was doing something annoying. Hot flushes. The dryness nobody warns you about. That sort of low-level anxiety that makes you cancel things. I cancelled a lot of things. I've got a GP appointment next month and I've been trying to work out how to explain that it's not just physical, it's the whole... confidence thing. The way I feel about myself now versus how I used to feel. I want her to understand that it's affecting how I live, not just how I sleep. Does that make sense? I'm going to write it down before I go in because I know I'll minimise it the second she looks at me. Anyway. The dress was green. I got a compliment from a woman on the checkout. I'm counting it. x

Jun 14 · Replied

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Thank you peri_erica, and everyone who replied. This is exactly why I posted. Reading these has made me feel much less ridiculous, and I am adding a few notes before my next appointment.

Jun 14 · Posted

So I bought a dress last week. Not a special occasion dress, just a dress. Wore it to Waitrose. And I stood in the car park afterwards thinking, well. That was something. I'm 55 and I've been divorced two years and for most of that time I've been wearing the same rotation of leggings and oversized jumpers and telling myself it doesn't matter. And it doesn't, obviously. But also it sort of does? For me, I mean. Not for anyone else. I'm not trying to look younger or thinner or whatever. I genuinely am not. But I'd like to look like myself again and I'm not sure I know who that is at the moment. The body I'm in now is different. Heavier in some places, drier, hotter, sometimes so tired I can't think straight. Dating feels completely terrifying and I haven't even properly tried yet. I've started writing down the days when I feel okay about myself. Just a note, nothing elaborate. Tuesday, felt fine actually. Friday, felt invisible. Trying to see if there's a pattern or if it's just random. My GP appointment is next month and I want to talk about the confidence stuff because I keep framing everything as physical symptoms and never quite getting to the bit where I say this is affecting how I feel about myself as a person. Anyway. The dress was nice. That's all I had. x

Jun 14 · Replied

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Thank you peri_erica, and everyone who replied. This is exactly why I posted. Reading these has made me feel much less ridiculous, and I am adding a few notes before my next appointment.

Jun 13 · Posted

55 and recently single and honestly? I thought the hard bit would be the loneliness. It is not. The hard bit is looking in the mirror before a date and not recognising the person looking back. I've been trying something this past month. Not a programme or anything, just... noticing when something makes me feel like myself. Wore a dress I'd had for years on Saturday. Bit of a gamble. But I felt nice. Actually nice, not performed nice. I took a photo because I wanted to remember the feeling rather than the outfit. I'm not going to pretend I've cracked it. I still spiral in the taxi on the way there. Still wonder whether anyone could find this body, with all its current surprises, remotely attractive. But I had one evening last week where I forgot to worry about it for about two hours and that felt like something worth writing down. Got a GP appointment coming up and I want to actually say this stuff out loud. That it's affecting how I feel about myself, not just physically. That confidence and mental health are part of this too, not just the other symptoms I know how to name. Anyone else finding that the emotional side of this is the bit that's hardest to explain to a doctor? x

Jun 11 · Replied

Community post

Just popping back to say thank you, especially peri_erica. I read all of these with a cup of tea and had a little cry, in a good way. This community is such a relief sometimes.

Jun 10 · Posted

55 and I went on a date last Thursday. Actual date. Sat across from a man in a wine bar and tried to remember who I was before I started disappearing. The thing is I looked alright? I wore the green dress I'd written off as "too much" and my friend said I looked brilliant and I almost believed her. I did not flush (miracle). I did not cry in the loos. I talked and laughed and he was fine, perfectly fine, but that's not the point. The point is I drove home and sat in the car and felt proud of myself in a way I haven't for ages. Not because of him. Just because I went. I'm 55 and divorced and my body is doing whatever it likes and I've spent two years feeling like the version of me that men might find attractive has quietly retired without telling me. And maybe she has, I don't know. But Thursday felt like evidence that something is still here. I've been writing down the days I feel okay about myself, genuinely okay, not performed okay. It's more often than I'd thought. That's the thing I'm holding onto at the moment. I've got a GP appointment coming up and I want to talk about the confidence stuff, the way anxiety has eaten into how I feel about my own body, not just the physical symptoms. I don't know how to say that without it sounding vain. Is it vain? It doesn't feel vain. It feels like survival. x

Jun 7 · Replied

Community post

Just popping back to say thank you, especially peri_erica. I read all of these with a cup of tea and had a little cry, in a good way. This community is such a relief sometimes.

Jun 6 · Posted

55 and back on the dating apps. There. I said it. I keep stopping to look at my profile photo and thinking, is that actually me? Not in a horrified way, just... when did I become this woman? I don't mean that badly. She looks fine. She looks like someone's mum who has had a life. But I don't know if I know how to be attractive on purpose anymore. Like I've forgotten the moves. Or maybe I never had moves and just had youth, which apparently does a lot of the heavy lifting without you realising. I had a date last week. Coffee, nothing mad. He was perfectly nice. I wore a dress I bought in a sort of hopeful panic and I did feel good in it, genuinely, not performed good. That felt like something worth writing down. The dress worked. I worked, a bit. The bit I'm less sure about is what happens if it ever gets further than coffee. My body has changed in ways I'm still getting used to privately, let alone with another person involved. I've got a GP appointment next week and I'm going to try to actually say that out loud, the confidence side of it, not just hand over a symptom list and hope she reads between the lines. Anyway. Coffee was fine. Dress was good. That's enough for now x