Lorraine

Right so I've been meaning to write this down somewhere and this feels like the right place because at least someone might read it and I'll feel accountable. I'm not calling this a plan. I've had enough of plans. Plans make me feel like I'm already failing before I've started, and the last thing I need right now on top of everything else is another thing to fail at. So this is just an experiment. A quiet one. A nobody-needs-to-know-except-this-forum one. Here's what I'm trying this week. I'm going to write down how I sleep each night, just a quick note on my phone, nothing fancy, not an app, not a spreadsheet, just a few words. Woke at 2, hot, couldn't settle. Or slept through, bit groggy. That kind of thing. I've noticed over the past few months that I can't actually remember what a good night feels like versus a bad one, they've all blurred into this general fog of not-quite-rested, and I want to see if there's actually a pattern or whether I'm just catastrophising on the tired days. I'm also going to try eating something proper before I open my laptop in the morning. Not a full production, just something with a bit of substance to it. I've been skipping breakfast or grabbing something on autopilot and then wondering why I feel terrible by eleven. I'm not making any claims about what that will or won't do, I'm genuinely just curious whether there's a connection for me personally. And the third thing, which feels almost embarrassingly small, is a short walk after dinner a few nights this week. Not every night, I'm not setting myself up like that. Just a few nights. Ten minutes maybe. Enough to get outside and feel like I did something. I'm writing this here partly because I know myself and if I don't tell someone I'll quietly abandon it by Wednesday and pretend I never said anything. And partly because I remember reading something on here a while back, someone doing a similar kind of low-stakes logging thing, and it made me feel like this kind of careful, gentle noticing was actually allowed. That you don't have to overhaul everything at once. I'll come back and say how it went. Even if it went nowhere. Especially if it went nowhere, actually, because that's useful information too. x

I've been lurking on and off for months and I think I finally have something worth posting about, so here goes. Last night I slept from about half ten until six in the morning. No waking up at 3am convinced I was dying. No lying there with my heart going too fast for no reason. No throwing the duvet off and then pulling it back on four times. Just. Sleep. I know that probably sounds like nothing to anyone who hasn't been through the last year and a half of this. But I was genuinely frightened for a while. I didn't recognise myself. The hot flushes I could sort of cope with, embarrassing as they were. But the sleep thing broke me in a way I didn't expect. I was crying in the Tesco car park in October over nothing. I was snapping at my kids constantly and then feeling awful about it. I thought something was seriously wrong with me beyond the perimenopause stuff. I went back to my GP in January and was really firm this time about how much it was affecting my daily life. I'd written things down, which helped. She adjusted things and I've been giving it time. I'm not going to sit here and tell anyone what to do, I really mean that. What's worked for me might be completely different for someone else and I'm not a doctor. But I wanted to come back and say: if you're in the frightened phase right now, the phase where you genuinely can't imagine feeling normal again, please hold on. It can shift. It shifted for me. I've also been doing a bit more walking in the evenings and trying to eat something proper at dinner rather than just picking at whatever the kids leave. Small things. I'm noting what feels different week to week. Thank you for being here, this room has helped more than I can say. x

I've been lurking for a few weeks without posting because honestly I didn't want to jinx anything. But I think I need to come back and say something because when I first found this kind of space I was absolutely terrified and I kept searching for posts from women who had come out the other side, and I couldn't always find them. So this is me trying to be that post for someone else. About eight weeks ago I was in a really dark place with it all. The hot flushes were relentless, I was waking up at 2am completely soaked and then lying there for two hours with my brain going at a hundred miles an hour, and the mood stuff was honestly frightening me. I didn't recognise myself. I snapped at my kids over nothing and then cried in the bathroom about it. I kept thinking something was seriously wrong with me beyond just hormones, like maybe this was just who I was now. I went back to my GP (second time, because the first time I felt a bit fobbed off if I'm honest) and this time I wrote things down beforehand. Actual examples. Dates, what happened, how long it had been going on. I think that made a difference because she took it more seriously and we had a proper conversation about next steps. I'm not going to go into the details of what I'm doing now because I don't want to come across like I'm telling anyone what they should try. Everyone's situation is different and what's worked for me might be completely wrong for someone else. What I will say is that I've been keeping very rough sleep and mood notes in my phone, nothing fancy, just a few words each morning, and being able to look back at the last eight weeks and see the shape of things has been really grounding. The bad weeks are still there in those notes but they're further apart. The hot flushes are still happening but they feel more manageable. I slept through until nearly 6am three nights this week. Three nights! I know that sounds small but a few months ago I would have wept with gratitude for that. I think the thing I want to say most is: if you are in the frightened early bit, the bit where you don't know what's happening to your body and you feel like you're losing yourself, please know that it does not necessarily stay that way. I'm not saying it's easy or quick or that everyone gets here at the same pace. I'm just saying I'm 46, I was in a really bad way, and right now, today, I feel more like myself than I have in over a year. Hang in there. It's worth fighting for. x

I've been lurking a bit this week rather than posting because honestly I didn't want to jinx it. But here I am, writing it down. Something has shifted slightly over the last couple of weeks. The 3am wake-ups are still happening but they're not lasting as long. I'm noting that alongside everything else I've been doing since my GP appointment in January, just so I can see whether the pattern holds. I remember being so frightened a few months ago that I genuinely thought something was seriously wrong with me. The hot flushes, the mood stuff, the feeling like my brain had been replaced with cotton wool. I want to say that to anyone who's in that early scary bit right now. It felt endless and it doesn't feel endless anymore. Not saying I've cracked it. Just logging it here so I can look back. x

Writing down sleep and mood every morning this week. Just to see. Not calling it anything official in case I jinx it x

I keep thinking about how frightened I was when this all started. Genuinely frightened. Not just fed up or tired, actually scared that something was seriously wrong with me because nobody had prepared me for any of it. The sleep thing especially. Lying there at 2am convinced I was ill. I've got a follow-up appointment at the end of this month and I've been keeping notes to take with me, just jotting down sleep and mood, because my memory for this stuff is terrible and I want to actually describe it properly rather than going blank when she asks how I've been. Looking back at my notes from six weeks ago versus now is genuinely strange. The difference is there in my own handwriting and I still almost don't believe it. Evenings have got calmer too. I started making really simple dinners, nothing that takes much effort or thought, and that sounds ridiculous but the low-level stress of trying to cook elaborate things when I'm already depleted was not helping me. Less friction in the evenings seems to matter for sleep. For me anyway. To anyone who's in the really scared bit right now. it doesn't necessarily stay that bad. That's all I wanted to say really 💙

Slept six whole hours, woke up feeling almost human, immediately had a hot flush making a cup of tea. The audacity. x

Right, I've got a follow-up with my GP next week and I want to mention the joint stiffness this time. Hands and knees, worst in the morning. I keep forgetting to raise it because the sleep stuff always takes over the whole appointment. I've written it on my list this time so I actually say it out loud. Has anyone else brought this up at a follow-up and had it taken seriously? I'm not sure if it's connected to everything else or just... being 46. I genuinely can't tell any more. Would love to know what other people have found useful to track or note down before asking. x

Hi all. I've been meaning to write something like this for weeks but kept talking myself out of it because it felt too vague, too hard to explain. But here goes. I'm 46 and somewhere in the middle of what I think is perimenopause, though getting anyone to actually confirm that has been its own saga. The hot flushes are there, yes, the rubbish sleep, the occasional moment where I feel like I could genuinely flip a table over something minor. But the thing I keep coming back to, the thing that's harder to name, is this sense that I've drifted away from myself a bit. I used to know what I liked. What I wanted to do at weekends. What kind of friend I was. I had opinions about things. Now I feel like I'm moving through days in a sort of low-level fog, ticking things off, being reasonably functional, and then getting to the end of the day and thinking, was that me? Did I actually choose any of that? My mum went through the change in her early fifties and I remember her being quite matter of fact about it, just got on with it, never really talked about the emotional side. I don't know if she felt this too and just didn't say, or if I'm making more of it than it is. I've spent a lot of time wondering that actually. Whether I'm being dramatic. I went to my GP back in the spring and she was kind enough but it felt like we were talking about a checklist rather than, I don't know, the actual experience of it. I left with a leaflet and a suggestion to look at the NHS website. I've got a referral to a menopause clinic now which I'm waiting on, so that feels like progress, I suppose. I've started taking a magnesium supplement in the evenings, not sure if it's doing anything but it feels like doing something, which helps a bit. Anyway. I just wanted to write it down somewhere people might recognise it. Even the vague bits. Thanks for being here x

Jun 19 · Replied to Community post

Thank you Patricia, and everyone who replied. This is exactly why I posted. Reading these has made me feel much less ridiculous, and I am adding a few notes before my next appointment.

Jun 18 · Replied to Community post

Just popping back to say thank you, especially Geraldine. I read all of these with a cup of tea and had a little cry, in a good way. This community is such a relief sometimes.

Jun 11 · Replied to Community post

Just popping back to say thank you, especially Patricia. I read all of these with a cup of tea and had a little cry, in a good way. This community is such a relief sometimes.

Jun 8 · Replied to Community post

Just popping back to say thank you, especially Elaine. I read all of these with a cup of tea and had a little cry, in a good way. This community is such a relief sometimes.