8 Jun
Right. 58, divorced two years ago, and I have somehow ended up on a dating app. I know. I KNOW. Met someone nice. We've been out three times. He wants to cook for me at his next week and I've said yes and now I'm absolutely terrified. It's not him. He seems genuinely lovely. It's me. My body feels like a stranger's at the moment. The flushes, the dryness (which I have not told a single soul about in real life, so hello strangers on the internet), the way I can go from feeling fine to feeling completely unlike myself in the space of an hour. How do you navigate intimacy when you genuinely don't know what your body is going to do? I've been walking every morning, just 30 or 40 minutes, partly because someone here mentioned it helps with the anxiety and partly because I needed somewhere to put all this nervous energy. It does help, I think. I feel less like I'm vibrating slightly. I've also started eating properly again. Nothing fancy. Scrambled eggs. Soup. Things that don't require me to cook for one and feel sad about it. Small dignified meals, I've decided to call them. I've got a GP appointment coming up and I want to actually say the private stuff this time. The dryness. The confidence hit. The way my brain is doing this thing where it tells me I'm too old and too changed to be wanted. I've written it down so I don't lose my nerve in the room. Anyway. Dinner. Next week. Wish me luck. x