4d ago
Right so this is embarrassing to admit but I genuinely nearly cried in the car on the way home this evening. For context: the last few months have been grim. I'm a senior project manager. I run meetings. I present to directors. And I have spent the better part of this year standing at the front of a room with the word I need just... gone. Not on the tip of my tongue. Just gone. I've been saying things like "the, you know, the document, the main one" and hoping people fill in the blanks. They do, bless them, but I know. I always know. Today I was in a session with the head of ops and I needed the word "contingency" and it was just THERE. I said it. Normally and in the right sentence and everything. I didn't have to pause and rephrase and do the little hand gesture I've developed to buy myself three seconds. I know this sounds tiny. It is tiny. But I've been so quietly terrified that I'm losing something that I'm not going to get back. I've been writing everything down before meetings for weeks now, like little cheat sheets, which helps but also makes me feel like I'm failing somehow. I don't know if the protein at lunch is doing anything or if the strength training is helping my sleep which is helping my brain or if today was just a good day. Genuinely no idea. But I'm writing it down because I want to remember that good days exist. If you're in the fog right now, I see you. It's so lonely when you can't explain it to anyone. x