12 Jun
Ok so I've been lurking for a while and I genuinely wasn't sure I should post because I'm 40 and every time I google my symptoms it either says anxiety disorder or perimenopause and I don't know which one to believe and honestly the not knowing is the worst bit. Here's what's been happening. My periods have gone completely unpredictable. I was like clockwork for years, 28 days, done. Now it's 24 days, then 35, then 26, and last month it just... didn't show up for 40 days and I did four pregnancy tests like an absolute muppet before it finally arrived. I'm not pregnant, I have a coil, I'm just apparently losing my mind. And the mood stuff. God. I don't even know how to describe it. It's not sadness exactly. It's more like this low hum of dread that sits behind everything. I'll be fine, doing the school run, making tea, and then something tiny happens, like the wifi going down or someone leaving a wet towel on the floor, and I feel this surge of something that is way out of proportion. I've been blaming work stress for two years. My job is stressful, that's true, but I've had stressful jobs before and I didn't used to feel like I was held together with sellotape. The fatigue is the other thing. I am so tired. Not tired like I need an early night. Tired like I've been awake for three days and then asked to run a marathon. I have two kids, eight and eleven, and keeping up with them after school feels like a genuine physical effort some days. I used to be the one suggesting weekend trips. Now I'm counting down to bedtime by 4pm. I mentioned it to my GP about six months ago and she ran some bloods and said everything was normal and that it was probably stress and to maybe try mindfulness. I wanted to cry in the car on the way home. I know she was trying to help. But I left feeling like I'd made it all up. I've started writing things down since then. Cycle dates, sleep, how I feel in the mornings, whether the anxiety is worse at certain points in the month. I don't know if I'm doing it right but it feels better than just showing up and trying to explain it from memory while she's already typing. I suppose I'm posting because I needed somewhere that might just get it without me having to justify why I think something has changed. Does anyone else feel too young for the menopause forums but too old and too tired for the stuff aimed at people in their twenties?? I don't quite fit anywhere and that's been its own kind of lonely. Anyway. Hi. I'm Hannah. I'm 40 and I'm exhausted and I'm really glad this place exists x