7 Jun
Right. I've been lurking here for a while and I think I just need to actually write this out because it's been rattling around in my head and I can't talk to my friends about it without feeling like I'm being ridiculous. I'm 56, divorced two years ago after a very long marriage, and I have recently, tentatively, started dating again. Which is terrifying. Not in a dramatic way, just in a very quiet, constant, oh god what am I doing kind of way. The thing is, my body is doing its own thing at the same time. Hot flushes at inconvenient moments. Dryness that I am not going to describe in detail but that makes the idea of intimacy feel complicated in a way it never used to. A confidence that comes and goes like bad signal. Some days I feel quite good about myself, I put on something I like, I go for a walk, I think, actually, I'm alright. Other days I look in the mirror and feel completely invisible, like menopause has made me disappear from the world a bit. I had a date last week. He was perfectly nice. We had a drink, we talked, it was fine. And the whole time I was sitting there I was half present and half doing this internal running commentary: are you flushing right now, is your face red, does he find you attractive, do you even care if he does, what would happen if this went further, what would you even do. I haven't talked to my GP about the confidence stuff. I've mentioned the flushes and the physical bits but not the way it's affecting how I feel about being seen. I think I need to, actually. I'm going to write it down before my next appointment so I don't bottle it when I'm in the room. I don't really have a question. I think I just wanted to say it somewhere. Does anyone else feel like they're trying to start again while simultaneously not quite recognising themselves? Because that's where I am. x