11 Jun
This is a bit odd to write but I'm doing it anyway because I said I'd be honest here. I've got a second date on Friday. Which is already strange enough at 57, divorced, still slightly bewildered by the whole thing. But I've been noticing this pattern where I build up to something social and then by the time it actually arrives I'm either exhausted or anxious or both, and then I spend the whole evening slightly outside myself rather than actually present. So this week I'm logging it. Not in a scientific way, just in a this-is-what-I-noticed way. What I ate on Thursday evening and whether I slept. Whether I walked in the afternoon or sat at my desk until 6pm. Whether the anxiety was background noise or actually loud. I'm not calling it a plan because I'll immediately want to abandon it. The body confidence thing is real as well. I'm not going to pretend I feel brilliant in my own skin right now because I don't always. Some days I do, some days I look in the mirror and feel like a stranger moved in. I've started writing down the good days too, just a line, just "felt okay today", because I forget them otherwise and then I think the bad days are all there are. I've also got a GP appointment next month and I want to bring up the anxiety side of things properly. Not just mention it and then get distracted by something else. I've been noting down when it spikes, whether it's linked to anything I can identify, whether it's worse in the evenings. I don't know if any of it is useful but it feels better than walking in and saying "I feel a bit anxious sometimes" and having nothing else to offer. Friday will be fine. Probably. I'm going to walk in the afternoon and eat something decent beforehand and just see what happens. Logging it here so I actually do it. x