11 Jun
Okay so the divorce was finalized seven months ago and I have been sitting on a dating app profile that I wrote, hated, rewrote, hated more, and then just... left there. 49 years old and I genuinely do not know how to explain myself to a stranger anymore. Like what do I even say? "Loves long walks and is currently sweating through her third shirt of the day"? The thing I keep avoiding is talking to my doctor about the stuff that actually scares me about dating again. The physical stuff. The dryness, the zero libido, the fact that the idea of being intimate with someone new makes me want to close every app and go make pasta. I keep telling myself I'll bring it up at my next appointment and then I sit in that chair and talk about my cholesterol instead. I made a list this week. Actual bullet points on my phone of the things I want to say out loud to her, because if I don't write them down I will absolutely chicken out again. It felt embarrassing to type them but also kind of like, necessary? Like giving myself permission to admit this is real. Anyone else had to basically script their own appointment just to get through the door on this stuff? I can't be the only one eating dinner for one and quietly panicking about whether my body will ever feel like mine again.